So I'm waiting for the beginning of the very first Cowboys game in Jerry World. Earlier, I saw a picture of the menu board. Thirteen - $13 - dollar burgers. For that price, I expect the beef to be hand ground by leprechauns and kept cold in ice made from unicorn tears. If I ever actually go to a game in Cowboys Stadium, I'm sneaking McDonald's in my pants. FACT.
Because the beer costs $9. So I can have a burger and beer for $22. It should tongue kiss me after, that meal, and at least feel me up and give me a fake number. That. Is. Ridiculous.
I'd also like to thank Football Jesus for making sure Fox broadcasts this game, and not god-awful Jerry TV. But does this mean we get to see the nation's collective bonah about this stadium for infinity? Every friggin' game this season? Because I'm kind of old it already.
Quick notes:
- Ahem - Joe Buck. You're not in Dallas. You is in Arlington.
- I had no idea there was an international trumpet star. Did you?
- Wade Phillips looks constipated and confused.
- Maybe people are still wandering in, but the stands? They don't look so full.
- Have you ever NOT seen Jason Witten with his tongue out?
- Joe Buck looks like an older version of this little kid in our neighborhood back home that we used to play hide and seek with. We'd all "hide" and when we were sure he was hiding, too, we'd leave.
- Is there any more useless a job position than sideline reporter?
- God. Not the Fox dancing robot.
So do we really care who wins this? If the 'boys lose, is the place tainted forever?
Titans kick, Miles Austin catches, and runs to about the 25 before being forced out of bounds. Flag around the Dallas 35, against Dallas - holding. Ten yard penalty, eliminating a 78 yard kick return. THANK YOU SAM HURD. I HOPE YOU GET AN ARMPIT CYST.
Roy Williams catches and is immediately knocked down around the 30ish. One more run produces nothing, so we'll punt. Titans' Harris brought down by Choice nearly midfield. Some kind of flag, but the ref's mic, she no worky worky. So I'll make something up for you. It was a call for 'nard smashing on the defense.
I'm already bored. Third and 10, Collins passes complete but short of a first down, so we'll see another punt. And we all know, I love a game of punt.
Troy thinks they're gonna try a quarterback sneak or to draw the 'boys offsides. Instead, they call a time out. You know what time outs are for? Getting more beer. In my case, not $9 beer. I highly recommend Not $9 Beer.
And yay. A punt. Score is still 0 all, and I'm still really bored. Beer me. Troy and Joe are having scoregasms over the giant video screen.
Barber tunnels his way through for a small gain. Second and 2, not quite at the 20. Barber picks up enough for a first down. Another hand off to Barber for a tiny little gain. Second and 7, Barber again, looks like he lands square on the mark for a first down. Roy Williams and Finnegan get into it, sans helmet. Fisticuffs for a preseason game? That's like fighting over a shirt at Ross Dress for Less. Simmah down ladies - there's enough crappy plays for everybody.
Barber picks up 13 for another first down. First and 10, Romo throws to Williams, who catches it for another first down. False start on Roy Williams means we go backwards. Yay. ROY, MAY YOU GET A TINY CASE OF THE RUNS.
First and 15, Romo to Witten just shy of another first down, bringing Witten somewhere past the Titan's 49. Williams battles to pick up two for the first down.
Does it seem like they're doing this the slow and steady way, instead of just throwing it to granny in the stands or (worse) the other team? Romo got a pretty good hit, but not before hurling the ball for another run to a near first down. Second and two, about two yards shy of the first down.
Romo throws down field to Williams in the end zone, but he's brought down before he can make the catch.
Third and two, Hurd gets some interference from Griffin, flag on Grif, automatic first down for the 'boys. First and 10, Crayton runs horizontally basically, and is stopped after a gain of six, short of another first down.
Second and four, Barber has a tenuous grasp on the ball before being brought down for a loss. Romo hurls it to Witten, who gets it to the one yard before being brought down. Witten friggin caught it over his shoulder, and Romo threw it under some pretty intense coverage. Barber tunnels to the endzone. TD Dallas. Extra kick is good.
2:52 in the first, Dallas 7, Tennessee 0
Ugh. Favre highlights of the Vikings game. I hope someone Theismann's him.
Holy crap, could somebody stop Ringer WITHOUT SHOVING HIM ON THE SIDELINE? Nice, Sensabaugh. They get an extra 15 on their 51 yard return. SENSABAUGH, YOU WILL GET ANAL FISSURES.
Tennessee first and 10, flag on the Titans with a false start. Collins flings it to a receiver, but Spencer makes a stop that ensures no gain. Second and 16, Johnson picks up five yards. Another Collins toss, short of a first down, meaning a try for a field goal with :48 in the first. Field goal good, Dallas 7, Titans 3.
Miles Austin gets a 20 yard return, so Dallas starts on their own 20. First and 10, Romo to Felix Jones, for a itty bitty gain. Apparently, Felix reminds Jerry to Earl Campbell.
Jones picks up two yards, still shy of a first down. Third and 3, with 14:34 in the second. Romo tosses to Crayton for a first down.
Whoever's Twittering for CBS 11 just assured us the giant video screens are too high for a ball to hit.
Second and four, Crayton makes a catch, but it's negated by Flozell Adams' stupid flag. FLOZELL ADAMS, YOU ARE ON MY LIST.
Second and 14, Romo to Witten right at the first down marker. Second handoff is enough for the first down.
Speaking of Twitter, Chad OchoCinco and Tank Johnson are being very quiet right now.
Second and 10, hand off to Jones, as Finnegan brings him down at the line of scrimmage. Romo to Crayton, who is brought down at the 1st down marker. That'll move the chains.
Fourth down, shy of a first, according to the chains. Barber catches the toss, is brought down after a gain of two for a first down.
Martellus Bennett Tweeted earlier today, though: My dope ass locker. Looks like wood grain n a Benz. Hit yall after the game http://twitpic.com/er8uk
Dallas is gonna fiddle fart with another fourth down. Will they go for it? Will they ask for a measurement? Of course. Fourth down and inches.
OK. Question. How long will people pay $40 for parking, $30 to stand in the stadium, and $9 for beer and $13 for a burger if the Cowboys don't dazzle this season?
Field goal team is headed out to the field after a try at another first down fails. Ball hits the upright, no goal. Dallas 7, Tennessee 3.
Tennessee has only had the ball for 3 1/2 minutes of the game. Tennessee is at third and six. Collins throws the ball away under tremendous pressure. Tennessee punts, Crayton calls a fair catch at the 15 yard line.
Four hours ago, Isaiah Stanback Tweeted: We Ready!!!!! LETS GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Articulate bunch, they are.
First and 10 at the 25ish. Hand off to Felix Jones, who is brought down near the 30. Hurd dropped a stupid ball. Third and 7, Romo tosses over Crayton's head. Yay. Punt. I love Punt.
McBriar punted 62 yards, Tennessee recovered to the 20ish, but there's flags. Holding against Tennessee, and unsportsmanlike conduct on Dallas.
McBriar punts again. Tennessee recovers to the 30.
Anybody else effing bored?
Attention Fox: The Rangers are not down the street tonight. They be in Tampa Bay, losing to the Rays. You may officially suck now.
Oh...yay. Another punt. Aaaaaand another unsportsmanlike conduct against Dallas.
What's the over under on the Titan's scoring in the last 1:10 of the half, and then continuing to score on Dallas? Oh, look. The odds are pretty damned good since they just scored a TD. Tennessee 10, Dallas 7. Less than a minute left in the half.
I'd like cake. Wouldn't you like some cake? Let's quit watching this game, and go get some cake. Yes?
:54 left in the half, 1st and 10 on the 20. Romo throws to MartyB for a first down. :33, Felix Jones ran ran ran ran and ran again, to get them first and w0 on the 20. Romo efficiently hurls to Roy Williams with :21 left in the game. First and goal, Romo guns it over the middle to Crayton and call time out near the fiveish.
Oh, and Woooooooooooooooooooooo...........Pig............Sooooooooooooooooey. Thank you, Felix.
Second and goal, Romo's throw is incomplete to the end zone. :09 left, third and goal. Romo misses Roy Williams. But there's a penalty flag. Defensive pass interference. Firsg and goal, :05 left, Tennessee calls a time out.
This game just got unboring.
I'm pretty sure I'd try to lose Joe Buck in a game of hide and seek, btw.
Handoff to Felix Jones gets the TD, with one second remaining. Extra kick is good. Dallas 14, Tennessee 10, :01 left in the second.
So, everyone, I think I've pretty much reached the end of my finite amount of interest in preseason football. So I'm going to leave you now, for a while, to do some more serious drinking, I mean, studying of the great game of football.
But before I leave, I'd like to leave you with this thought: BRETT FAVRE HAD FOUR WHOLE YARDS.
God, it is a great Friday.
