I have to warn you - I've been on chuck alert since noon. I've got some mmm... drugs in my system now, and so far I have't spewed. At any time, this live blog post could end because a) I've passed out again, b) I am puking or c) the game sucks so bad I can't keep watching.
So you're joining me later in the first quarter, because my drug-addled brain could not remember my password for the blog until now. Oakland is ahead by three, and Dallas' special teams pretty much poo'd their collective pants in the middle of the first play.
And Jerry TV has the suckiest audio in the history of moving pictures, and that includes the silent shit.
Stanback got a 27 yard return on the play, 9:59 in the first. Martellus Bennett is on the field. He's on the Twitters. Allegedly he's an alien, but I don't think he's actually from Mexico, which is where all aliens are from (hey, I listen to Rush, too, sometimes).
Felix Jones ran for some yardage, and now the 'boys are at first and 10 at the 30ish. Now there's a flag on the 15. Defensive holding. Automatic first down.
And seriously - this audio. I never thought I'd want the NFL Network...
Romo to Jones, Jones gets to the four, just shy of a first down.
Meanwhile, Tank Johnson is on Twitter, muttering something about Bitch Breath. "LMFAO man bout to fall out da bed yall on err thang!!" If you can translate, do it. Please.
Barber jumps over the top of everybody to get to the end zone, but there's a flag on the play. Holding thanks to Kosier, who managed to move the 'boys back 15. Next play gets them second and goal. Kosier is an asshole.
Romo throws to Witten for a TD. No thanks to Kosier.
Tank Johnson: "Cmon Bey don't fall for the ohmp Bink!"
Dear Jerry Jones: If you're going to broadcast the game yourself, could you invest in some decent audio, and make sure that the PICTURE DOESN'T FREAKING GO OUT EVERY FEW MINUTES? KTHXBY.
Oh, and the score is Dallas 7, Oakland 3.
The 29 buck party pass - evil genius on Jerry Jones' part, a sucker's ticket, or both?
Brooking gets a sack. Nice. I should also point out that both Felix Jones and McFadden are from Arkansas. This prompts me to ask a question I ask frequently - how in the heck did the Razorbacks not do better when both these guys were playing - TOGETHER. Seriously. Houston Nutt, 'splain.
Oh look, the picture went out again.
False start on the offense, ref? I COULD NOT SEE IT, Jerry TV. Seriously. The worst broadcast of a Cowboys game ever used to be the NFL Network game where Bryant Gumbel couldn't correctly identify either team. But this is starting to knock that one out of contention.
The Dallas defense is doing rather well, I must say. They're forcing Oakland to punt. Dallas recovers on the five.
Jean Jacques Taylor, meanwhile, on the DMN says that Dallas is in a world of hurt because Philly has apparently signed Michael Vick. To that I say - hold up. Don't count your puppies before they're hatched. Guy's been off the field for a while now, and there's a better than fair chance that he won't make an immediate impact. I think. Possibly. It could be the drugs. What do you think?
Also, can I quit when the 'boys pull out all the starters? Oh, they have? There's Kitna. I guess I should see if Kitna's gonna be worthwhile.
Kitna throws to MartyB, who is run off the sidelines. McBriar punts. Oakland's Higgins is felled somewhere midfield, but there's a flag on the play. Holding on Dallas, 10-yard penalty, first down for Oakland. Less than six seconds in the first quarter. New backup QB for Oakland on the field, Something Grabsomething. He connects with McFadden, who nearly runs it in for a TD while the defense watches.
Yay. Now we watch the B squads. It's like a JV game, but without the sausage on a stick. Or well, maybe..I don't know. Did I mention the drugs?
Tank Johnson Twitter: Yall she took the kid I'm finna pass out!!! If u aint seen it I'm so sorry for ruining it!! My bad! WAit he n the car w lipstick on his head.
Seriously, Tank. WTF?
Did I mention we're in the second quarter, 13:20something? Because we are. Oakland possession, TD catch by Tony "Not THAT Tony" Stewart.
Oakland 10, Dallas 7
I'm pretty sure Tank Johnson is live blogging a Lifetime movie. I'm blogging football, he's blogging Lifetime. Somewhere, there's a hole ripped in the space-time continuum. I mean, at least Chad OchoCinco is blogging a fight.
Tank Johnson Twitter: And this detective!! What a dummy!
Dallas punt return by Stanback gets the 'boys a first down at the 29. Kitna handed off to some guy on the bottom of a pile. I'll tell you this: Kitna is no Brad Johnson. Make of that what you will.
Kitna is sacked by about 12 Oakland Raiders. Seriously. 12.
Oh yay. McBriar is punting again. Is this because we don't give a rat's left asscheek about a preseason game? Punt sends the ball way down field, Oakland recovers somewhere around the 20.
How boring has this game gotten? We're discussing whether Dr. Hands sounds like a Muppet that molests you. Does it? Discuss.
Tank Johnson Twitter: Yea Bey whoop dat ass!! Whooooooooo Oh the head butt!
Back to the game, Oakland has possession, and defense just caught a flag that resulted in a five yard penalty. How confusing is this? The Cowboy's have a player named Ball. Give me the ball. I want the ball. Throw the ball!
Sensabaugh just divested Oakland's Murphy of the ball. See?
Another farking punt. This game has been nothing but punt. I'm bored. Are you bored? I'm not gonna make it past half time.
Kitna threw to Miles Austin, who dropped the ball. Kitna chucks it to Hurd, who doesn't drop it, and its good for a first down.
Mishandled snap, and Kitna recovers it. Allegedly, Kitna has problem with the snap. This could bode ill. Oh look, yellow flags all over the place. I have no idea who it was on, BECAUSE THE AUDIO SUCKS.
Kitna throws to Hurd, intercepted by Oakland. Can I stop doing this now?
Grabsomething connects way the heck downfield, but there's flags and crap all over the field. OK, really, there's just flags. Defensive foul, holding on Mickens. Mickey Spagnola (a name that is a) made up or b) mafia related) says Hurd rolled his knee, but seems fine.
Holding this time on the Raiders.
1st and 20 at the Raider's 15, 7:07 in the second. Another short run. Do I smell a punt again?
Grabsomething throws it too high this time. Yay. Punt. Again.
Aannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we fumble the effing return. It ain't a soccer match, assholes.
Holy crap. Choice ran, but OF COURSE there's a flag. Holding on the Cowboys. It was Hurd. First and 20 at the 38, 4:55 left in the second.
Hurd catches around the 30ish, 1st and 10. Second and six. I'm effing bored.
Hurd catches a Kitna throw, first and 12. Is it just me, or does Choice look really short? Two minute warning, and this game is effing dragging. And all this punting. Yawn.
Tank Johnson Twitter: Man I'm drainer from that movie! But Bey whpt dat trick and that's all that matters! Whew I need a gatorade or somethin.
Note: I too, sometimes need a gatorade after watching Lifetime.
Also, which would be more interesting, a discussion of Tank Johnson tweets, or continuing to live blog this game of punt?
Kitna just screwed the pooch (Hi Michael!) and I've officially checked out of this game at 0:24 in the first half.
Apparently Mickey Spagnola was askeered of the Raiders bench.
Also, Chad OchoCinco says he's lonely in NOLA. I see a Craig's List ad in the personals section forthcoming.
So I'm over this. Way over it. If you stay up to watch the rest, feel free to continue the coverage in the comments.
