Lord help me, I'm watching another night of this. While I try to do math and figure out the trainwreck to awesome ratio for tonight, go get yourself a drink. I recommend whisky.
Tonight's guest judge is Mary J. Blige. Also, Randy doesn't want to get out of the car. I don't blame him.
The first poor chump says his uncle discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips. And he dances like Carlton from Fresh Prince. I am dubious about Duwone. He's singing his own composition.
It goes something like this: "Laaaaaaaaaty, I Know Youuuuuu, Baby I knowwwwwwwwwww you, Lay lay laty I knowwwwwwwww you, It's oooooooooooooverrrrrrrrr, It's Ovvvvvvvvvvv-her..."
Simon wants to know if he meant it to be a duet. Now Duwone said it's Simon's fault he didn't sing well.
And now he's gonna sing it again. Mary J. is laughing. Needless to say, he didn't go to Hollywood.
Back from commercial, some guy says he's good at high notes, and um, he wasn't.
Keia won Miss Congeniality award at Miss America. She's singing "My Heart Will Go On," and she doesn't suck. She's actually pretty good. Mary says she can sing. Kara says she's genuine. Simon thinks she could get the part in Oklahoma. But he likes her. They all four like her and send her to Hollywood.
Miriam is next, and seems to be pleasing the judges. Noel as well. Miriam, btw, I thought sounded goaty. Tisha seems to be makin' them happy, too. But she's spazzy. WTF was that dancing stuff? They're all going to Hollywood though.
Now there's Jermaine. He's a church singer. His mom told him to go audition. His mom has spina bifida. Gosh, I hope he doesn't suck, because he says singing is his life. He's singing Joan Osbourne's "What if God Was One of Us?" And he doesn't suck, and it's a whole new interpretation. I think Randy just said he was "hot sauce." Mary said it was "incredible." They all four say yes.
I think I need to punch this Christy person. Already. I want to punch her hard. She's gonna sing "Love is a Battlefield." Mary is already giggling, or she threw up in her mouth a little. And now I'm going to rant, because it's obvious she can't sing.
I'm tired of American Idol allowing these jackasses that can't sing up just to get some publicity. It was obvious that she was just trying to get on TV. I would've rather heard more from one of the yes people they glossed over.
Vanessa jumps bridges. And says nonsensical things like, "100% Pure Beef! Heh Heh Heh." She's stuck in her tiny Tennessee town. She's wearing a $4.50 dress. I feel kinda sorry for her. I hope she sings well, because otherwise this is all just cruel.
She's singing "Wagon Wheel," by Old Crow Medicine Show. And she's knocking it out of the park, but it's very specific, so I'm not sure they're gonna go for it. Aww, her mom: "Instead of butterflies, I got frawgs."
Kara says she's definitely a country singer. Simon likes her, and when she's good she's very good. And this girl is so very cute. Adorable. They all say yes. And she gets to go to Hollywood, and I'm gonna bawl now. Damn you, Vanessa.
Yes, Vanessa. You're "gonna ride on a air-o-plane." I love you already.
Now we've got Jesse, who's almost died three times, and has unfortunate issues with orthodontia. But he's got such innocent doe eyes...I hope they're gentle with him. Nobody's heard him sing. He's gonna sing some Garth Brooks. And he's so shy. And we wait. And Mary giggles. And Kara is trying to say Mary is upset.
God, this is excruciating. Because it's not any better when he does know the lyrics.
Simon tells him this is not for him. Poor Jesse. And did we have to do so many cheap disaster sound effects as he walks out?
And now we see the long line of rejection. And tears. Lots of tears. And someone's mom says Simon is an asshole.
And can I just say that Mary J. Blige is my most favorite guest judge so far in the history of ever? Totally uncensored, totally unafraid to burst into a giggle fit. I think Mary J. and I would be friends.
Dear lord. Guitar Girl. She has a guitar dress and guitar sunglasses. And Simon rolled his eyes at Holly. Mary's giggling again. "I dew, I dew think I can win this," she said. She's gonna sing Loretta Lynn, "You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man."
Holy crap. Guitar girl belted it out. Mary doesn't get it. Everybody but Mary says no. And a bajillion people waiting to come up there are like, "HER?"
Oh dear. Simon just said someone's singing voice was "like a cat barking. It shouldn't happen." And some dude is singing Britney Spears. "Oops is right," Kara said.
Mallory comes in, and she's gonna do some "Piece of My Heart." Mary looks kinda bored. But she also said Mallory can go to Hollywood, and "dope." They all say yes.
This guy says his name is Skiiboski. And he's not Polish. This has trainwreck on it. And his shirt has his "name" misspelled.
He's singing "I Heard It Through the Grapevine." And he's good. He's a package deal, he says, and he's like the Dollar Store. "That doesn't even make sense," Randy said. Mary says his image doesn't match his vocal. Randy says lose all the other nonsense. Simon says no. Everyone else says yes. But not before Skiiboski says something else that does not make any sense.
Two BFF's are trying out. And I'm pretty sure they've three party called someone, ala Mean Girls, at some point. And Carmen and Lauren got makeup tips from porn stars. Kara says they look like whores, but not with those words. Simon is saying they're annoying. Lauren sings something high and warbly and very junior high choir, which is probably what they skipped to go there. Then Carmen sings. Carmen is better, Simon said. Together they're fun, but apart boring, he said. Randy says Carmen yes, Lauren no. Kara says same thing. Mary ditto. Simon said he would've said no to both of them.
"If it's any consolation, I don't think you're going to be away from her for long," Simon said as they left. GIGGLESNORT.
Next girl sings like Shy Andy. "Oh god!" Mary exclaims, then slaps her hand over her mouth. And a whole other group of girls comes in to suck.
Simon pleads migraine, and lets the other three take a few auditions. Now we've got a cop trying out. Bryan has a cop haircut, and is going to sing "Superstar," by the Carpenters. And he definitely doesn't suck. "You look nuthin like what you sound like," Randy said. They all say yes.
Now we have a Mary J. Blige stalker. And Lamar looks kinda scary. He swears he's gonna respect the judges' opinions. He's screaming his way through Seal's "Kiss for a Rose." Not a screamy song, far as I remember. Randy says he's not that good. Kara says she's not gonna say he's a terrible singer. And he goes crazy and ballistic. And he didn't expect to hear this from them. Mary says he needs to find some humility. Oh snap. Every time they tell him no, he starts singing.
"Bleep bleep bleep," he said. Only not that. It was more curse-y. Now security is ushering him out.
"Bleep all y'all. Bleep the American Idol show. Bleep Mary J. Blige, she can't sing a lick. Who the bleep is Kara. I wish Paula was here."
God, this is turning all Baby Jane.
Back from commercial, and the last audition is up. Larry. He's a general. and he's old. He's gonna sing his song, "Pants on the Ground."
Pants on the Ground!
Pants on the Ground!
Lookin' like a fool with your Pants on the Ground!
Somehow, I think Dwaine Caraway is gonna hire him. I want this as my ringtone. Simon breaks it to him that he's over the age limit.
So until next week, keep reaching for the stars, and keep your pants off the ground.
