First, I need to say this: Ralph Macchio wants his head scarf back, Posh. Also, please answer the age-old question: Are you really asking what I think you're asking when, in the Spice Girls work of art, "If You Wanna Be My Lover," you say, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends?"
And if so, really?
Now, the first bit of cannon fodder. I have already blocked her name out, but Kara is head bobbing. And Simon is trying to not eat his pen and contemplating jumping out the window. And she thinks Kara is Paula. And she wins the American Idol Wii game ALL THE TIME. So she's a shoo in. Jenny. It's a no.
They're all saying no. And then she cusses.
Also, yes. I am 57 minutes behind if you're on the CST. But through the magic of DVR, I can now fast forward through commercials. And I'm still prescient if you're in Denver. And I'm completely psychic if you're in California.
Now we're on to Maddy. She's the 50th child in a a family of 72 children. Or something. I dunno. I just wanna get through the inevitable caterwauling. All of her brothers look like Trig Palin. And they adopted them all. Or most of them. And then she cried.
She's 16. And she's gushing. She's gonna go with "Hallelujah," by Leonard Cohen. So far, she's not sucking. But again, my benchmark is Jenny. Kara's either got gas or she likes it. Posh hasn't blinked. I'm not entirely convinced this isn't just on loan from Madam Toussad's. Randy said he thought she'd suck, but she didn't. Posh like's that she's nervous. Kara says, "Blah blah blah heart whatever whatever, look at my boobs." And Simon says she's totally not annoying for a 16 year old. But she's going to whatever. Hollywood. Yes. Hollywood.
Some guy is bitching that he has to wait for an audition. Clearly, he needs to be punched. And there's some kid that is going to be eviscerated by Simon.
Pat Ford is about to die. That is all. Seriously. Kara is dancing, and Simon is displeased. He's singing "Womanizer." He thinks he did awesome. And he thinks Simon is even "sassier in person than he is on TV."
Randy told him to stop singing forever. I agree. Please. Everyone tells him to go away, but first he creepy hugs Kara. But he knows her name is Kara, which gives him a leg up on Jenny.
Jennifer sings a scat version of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead." And Claire sings something... And Jess sings something else I don't know. I think she made it up as she went along. But they liked 'em all.
Now there's some guy making Italian food. And he wants to thank "all youse for bein' there and supportin' me."
Muddy Waters is his choice. "Hootchie Cootchie Man." Ya'll, think if John Belushi and Dan Akroyd did something illicit and improbable, and it made a baby. And take that for whatever you make of it.
Randy likes that Amadeo because he's real or something. And Simon likes him the most of everybody ever in the history of people. And then they made out. Or not. But he's going to Hollywood.
And then he ran out the door and broke Ryan Seacrest.
Derek. Oh Derek, with his pre-ProActive face and his Reese Witherspoon hair, "grajutating to music." He's singing "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word." He says he sounds like Chris Brown and the Eagles. And he likes how Chris Brown touches children.
Lord. It's like watching Marlee Matlin singing the blues. And all the judges are laughing. I consider myself fairly well versed in Elton John songs, but I don't know this song. Or I do, but it hurt less the last time I heard it.
Simon tells him it sounded like there were 20 of Derek in Derek, and "every one of them was horrible."
He is sad because he didn't get to touch America in a very special way.
This chick Merle is into anime, which is Japanese for porn cartoon. She's going to sing Joplin. But it was sad. Simon looks irritated. "At least one of us had a good time," Randy muttered. Damn, Ran-bone. Are you gonna be the mean guy when Simon leaves.
Merle doesn't understand why they hate her, because her voice coaches and her friends tell her she's awesome. "I would love to fly to the moon," Simon said, "but I can't." Or rather, CAAAAHN'T.
Luke, forever known now as Probably Balding, comes in and did decently. As did Benjamin. Posh actually perked up, or she was goosed. Benjamin and Luke went to Hollywood.
Ok, remember the douche mad about waiting? He's still there. His name is Andy. And he's peeved that they didn't move him up faster. And he's totally single, ladies.
And he's being an asshole. Simon tells him if he wants to be a smartass, he can leave. He's gonna sing "House of the Rising Sun."
"You know that song?" he snarls.
He doesn't...suck. But they all hate him. You can tell. Kara asks him if he's angry. And he's angry because he had to wait. Kara says not wanting to have to wait means he doesn't want it.
"I don't like you," she said.
"You have very bad energy," Simon said.
"You came across as arrogant, and you don't have the goods to back it up," Posh said.
The all said no - except for Simon.
Kara says he needs a spanking.
FYI: Don't go see "The Lovely Bones" if you've read the book. You'll leave the theater pissed off.
Bill hurt me. In the ear. So did Michael, WHO MAJORS IN MUSICAL THEATER. He's a bastard, and I'm never going to get that out of my head.
Ashley looks all perky and pretty. I bet she sings like an angel and Simon loves her. Kara is nodding her head and smiling. Posh cocked her head the other direction. I think that is good. Simon says she may have it. I told you so.
Tyler has two broken arms, and Animal from the Muppets hair. He's gonna sing "Let's Get It On."
True story: I knew a guy who thought the song went, "I can't wait for you to ovulate," instead of "I can't wait for you to operate." Just thought I'd tell you that.
They all loved his rendition, which didn't include the ovulate/operate part. I predict Tyler will be the Jason Castro of this season.
OK. All y'all who are going to Hollywood but didn't get featured? You do realize you won't make it past the first round in H'wood, right?
Now a history lesson. About Boston. Excuse me while I check my e-mail.
LIsa the Waitress sings while she works. Nobody says if they like it. She says she's better than all the people on the show. She's going to sing "Vision of Love," by Mariah Carey. Dear sweet Jesus that was bad. It was horrible. Kara says she's gotta practice more. "It was probably the craziest version of Mariah Carey I've ever heard," Simon said.
Ryan Keane. Zombie Johnny Cash is going to claw his way out of his grave and eat you.
Mike comes in, after a string of horrible horribles. Mike drives a boat called "Codzilla." He's going to sing "Yesterday," by the Beatles. I'm meh about him, but I'm pretty sure he'll go to Hollywood. I hope he leaves his Affliction shirt behind.
Simon thinks Kara is retarded for saying everyone is "touching." I agree. Simon wandered off. Randy didn't think his voice was that good. Mike's mommy thinks he's a good boy. But three judges said yes, and now he gets to go to Hollywood.
Katie Stevens is a cutie pie, and she sings like dream. Of course she's going to Hollywood. And props for not completely murderballing Etta James' "At Last." Randy likes Katie. Kara likes Katie. Victoria says yes. Simon says yes.
Joshua sings some Rascal Flatts, and is almost too old to try out for American Idol, which is absurd, because he's only 28 and Taylor Hicks was like 52 if he was a day.
Now they're trying to give Joshua assertiveness training. Randy dropped some Spandau Ballet knowledge. Kara said yes. Posh says yes, and Simon says yes. So does Randy. See ya in Hollywood, Canon Fodder!
Some guy actually fell asleep in an audition. And then something came in and sang something about Georgia. And some guy got confused and thought he was in a Japanese karaoke bar. And Kara tried not to laugh in his face.
Justin Williams had cancer. And since they're talking about it and doing a big feature on him, he'll either be awesome in audition, or horrible. Because that's how American Idol works. He's cancer free now.
He's a vocal coach. And he um, well, he's not a bald barber. If you can pick up what I'm putting down here. He wants to be a crooner. Posh thinks the girls will like him. Kara says she's gonna remember him. Everybody says yes.
Holy shitbiscuits. Seriously. Norberto. Your hair and um, stuff. Randy is bopping. This is cruel. He's horrible. He gets nervous in the middle of completely screwing up. And Randy tells him to start again. And Posh assures him that she forgot lyrics all the time. But seriously, he looks like a drag queen with a beard.
Norberto:
Bosa is from Nigeria. And he's very good. And he's singing George Strait. Which is a twist. It's like George Strait and Boyz II Men made a song baby and gave it to Bolsa. The girls said yes, as did Randy. Simon said he was boring.
Leah has been singing her entire life. This could be wretched, but we've already seen Randy saying he loves her in the promo. SPOILER ALERT much, Fox? She sings "Blue Skies," and pretty much bats it out of the park. Big voice. Seriously big voice. And they're letting her sing for quite some time.
They all love her, and send her to H'wood. And then her boyfriend hugs her, and nearly pulls her top down. FORT. AWESOME.
Montage alert...aaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnd fade.
So check in tomorrow, when Idol is someplace else, and a meth addict tries out, and some big guy tells the camera crew, "Eff y'all."
It'll be glorious.
