The Eleventy Billionth Blog

American Idol: You Only Get Me Once A Week

So last night? Last night I watched, but I did not blog. And truth? These audition shows exhaust me. It's half promise, and half unmitigated crap. 

So tonight, Orlando. Kristin Chenoweth is the guest judge tonight. And I predict, again, tonight will be half promise, and half unmitigated crap.

Dear sweet Jesus, right out of the box we've got a guy with feather and glitters on his noggin, and a sparkly scarf. Seriously. Theo is a joke, and everyone knows it. I am somewhat irked with the fact that they brought him out. I'd rather see more of the people that actually go to Hollywood, and less freak show.

He's singing Pat Benatar. "Heartbreaker." 

"You released a lot of stuff," Kara said. Or something. 

They all said no. And he's gonna cry on his glitter. I'm pretty sure he's wearing girl jeans. And he's lost trying to find his way out. One of his friends also has glitter on his face. Ryan Seacrest is grooming him or taking his giant sequins off his face. 

OK. The Bing vampire ad is creepy. But it's still not as creepy as the chicken and the gnome trying out on American Idol.

Apparently Orlando is talentless. And Simon has a headache. 

Now we meet Seth Rollins. Married. Two kids. Son is autistic. He's a sweet guy, and I hope he doesn't suck. They only spend this much time on an auditioner if they really suck or are really good.

He's gonna bust out "Someone to Watch Over Me." And he doesn't suck. Which is good, because his kid's literally on the other side of the door, crying for Daddy. 

They all said yes. He's freakin' adorable.

Now a break, but Seacrest promises that "our most dramatic episode unfolds." 

We come back to a montage of rejections and golden tickets. And tears. It's what I imagine 2 a.m. looks like on beautifulpeople.com. 

And then Jermaine comes in, singing "Smile." Kara is gushing. His voice is honest. And she can gesture around her boobs. But all four judges say yes.

Shelby is the dead last to try out on day one. She had a nerve on her face when she was little that was undeveloped, and she couldn't use one side of her face. Again, this much time means she sucks or is awesome.

She's going to sing some Norah Jones. And you can tell Simon already likes her. Kristin is beaming. Of COURSE SHE'S GETTING in. And then she cusses, and everyone laughs. Everyone says yes, but Simon says his is with a small y. 

In all, from the first day, 18 golden tickets, including one GIANT MAN.

Three judges the next day, Kristin had to go back to New York. Jay Stone is beatboxing "Come Together" by the Beatles. It's kinda cool? But uh...Simon looks like he wants to stab himself in the ear.

Kara said yes. Randy asked him if he actually sings. And he does. Simon says no. Kara says yes. Randy laughs hard. And apparently says yes, because Jay comes out with a golden ticket.

Now a montage of a buncha girls with basically the same name. And they all go to Hollywood. 

And now Cornelius. His friends are male strippers, and that's how he learned to dance. He's singing "Rollin'."And then he jumped up and did the splits, and ripped his pants. In the crotch. Simon says yes. Because basically the dude nailed his boys between his groin and the stage. They all said yes. 

Two sisters that raided a Frederick's of Hollywood for their outfits. They're from Jersey. I am not gonna bother learning their names. Blue dress sings first, "Hit the Road, Jack." Yellow dress sings Whitney Houston, in a very karaoke way.

Randy says yes for both. Kara says yes to both. Simon says no to the yellow and yes to the blue, but it doesn't matter because Randy and Kara already said yes. 

Oh, Jared. You look like trouble in the three-day sushi on the kitchen counter kind of way, not the Harley and an attitude kind of way. He's gonna sing "Amazing Grace." If you want to call it that. 

Kara asks him if he really thinks he's a great singer. She says he sounded like a lawn mower. Simon says thanks. And now he says something about trippin and losing it. And begins singing Amazing Grace again. They call for security. And tell him no again. Only Jared won't leave.  Two dudes carry him out, and then they have to cuff him AFTER THEY TAKE HIM DOWN. And by take him down, I mean a knee in the neck, five guys surrounding him. 

How awesome is that? 

Simon waits two beats, and then turns to Kara and Randy and says, "Yes or no?"

So the next guy, Matt, robbed a bank with a BB gun. He went to prison, and now he wants to make his family proud. He's gonna sing some Ray LaMontagne, my favorite singer in the history of ever. He's singing "Trouble," to be specific. And it's actually a good fit for his voice. 

Simon says it was brilliant. All three said yes. And he's the last one. Seacrest says 31 total made it through in Orlando. Next week: LA.

American Idol Live Blogging: Auditions, Atlanta

 

Lord help me, I'm watching another night of this. While I try to do math and figure out the trainwreck to awesome ratio for tonight, go get yourself a drink. I recommend whisky.

Tonight's guest judge is Mary J. Blige. Also, Randy doesn't want to get out of the car. I don't blame him. 

The first poor chump says his uncle discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips. And he dances like Carlton from Fresh Prince. I am dubious about Duwone. He's singing his own composition.

It goes something like this: "Laaaaaaaaaty, I Know Youuuuuu, Baby I knowwwwwwwwwww you, Lay lay laty I knowwwwwwwww you, It's oooooooooooooverrrrrrrrr, It's Ovvvvvvvvvvv-her..."

Simon wants to know if he meant it to be a duet. Now Duwone said it's Simon's fault he didn't sing well. 

And now he's gonna sing it again. Mary J. is laughing. Needless to say, he didn't go to Hollywood. 

Back from commercial, some guy says he's good at high notes, and um, he wasn't.

Live Blogging American Idol: The Audition Edition, Part 1

First, I need to say this: Ralph Macchio wants his head scarf back, Posh. Also, please answer the age-old question: Are you really asking what I think you're asking when, in the Spice Girls work of art, "If You Wanna Be My Lover," you say, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends?" 

And if so, really? 

Now, the first bit of cannon fodder. I have already blocked her name out, but Kara is head bobbing. And Simon is trying to not eat his pen and contemplating jumping out the window. And she thinks Kara is Paula. And she wins the American Idol Wii game ALL THE TIME. So she's a shoo in. Jenny. It's a no.

They're all saying no. And then she cusses. 

Also, yes. I am 57 minutes behind if you're on the CST. But through the magic of DVR, I can now fast forward through commercials. And I'm still prescient if you're in Denver. And I'm completely psychic if you're in California.

Now we're on to Maddy. She's the 50th child in a a family of 72 children. Or something. I dunno. I just wanna get through the inevitable caterwauling. All of her brothers look like Trig Palin. And they adopted them all. Or most of them. And then she cried. 

She's 16. And she's gushing. She's gonna go with "Hallelujah," by Leonard Cohen. So far, she's not sucking. But again, my benchmark is Jenny. Kara's either got gas or she likes it. Posh hasn't blinked. I'm not entirely convinced this isn't just on loan from Madam Toussad's. Randy said he thought she'd suck, but she didn't. Posh like's that she's nervous. Kara says, "Blah blah blah heart whatever whatever, look at my boobs." And Simon says she's totally not annoying for a 16 year old. But she's going to whatever. Hollywood. Yes. Hollywood.

Some guy is bitching that he has to wait for an audition. Clearly, he needs to be punched. And there's some kid that is going to be eviscerated by Simon. 

Pat Ford is about to die. That is all. Seriously. Kara is dancing, and Simon is displeased. He's singing "Womanizer." He thinks he did awesome. And he thinks Simon is even "sassier in person than he is on TV."