The Eleventy Billionth Blog

Live Blogging the Cowboys: The Gah! I'm Up Edition

And we're off. Great return by Felix Jones for 36 yards. I'd also like to say that Frank Caliendo is not funny.

Dear Fox Sports:

Frank Caliendo is lame. He's not funny. And he doesn't even do a passable impression of John Madden, who is possibly the easiest person in sports broadcasting to do an impression of. And impressions are what a comedian does when they're not smart enough and cool enough to write their own material. Frank Caliendo sucks because this is his entire act, and he's not even good at at it.

Love,

Me

Well, That Totally Clears Things Up

Cowboys Live Blogging: Yay! $13 Burger Edition

So I'm waiting for the beginning of the very first Cowboys game in Jerry World. Earlier, I saw a picture of the menu board. Thirteen - $13 - dollar burgers. For that price, I expect the beef to be hand ground by leprechauns and kept cold in ice made from unicorn tears. If I ever actually go to a game in Cowboys Stadium, I'm sneaking McDonald's in my pants. FACT.

Because the beer costs $9. So I can have a burger and beer for $22. It should tongue kiss me after, that meal, and at least feel me up and give me a fake number. That. Is. Ridiculous.

Live Blogging the Cowboys: The Whee! Drugs! Edition

I have to warn you - I've been on chuck alert since noon. I've got some mmm... drugs in my system now, and so far I have't spewed. At any time, this live blog post could end because a) I've passed out again, b) I am puking or c) the game sucks so bad I can't keep watching.

So you're joining me later in the first quarter, because my drug-addled brain could not remember my password for the blog until now. Oakland is ahead by three, and Dallas' special teams pretty much poo'd their collective pants in the middle of the first play.

And Jerry TV has the suckiest audio in the history of moving pictures, and that includes the silent shit.

Stanback got a 27 yard return on the play, 9:59 in the first. Martellus Bennett is on the field. He's on the Twitters. Allegedly he's an alien, but I don't think he's actually from Mexico, which is where all aliens are from (hey, I listen to Rush, too, sometimes).